There are a lot of things that I’ve felt afraid of doing, but I knew that if I just applied myself, I’d figure out a way. I’ve always felt that “if you want it badly enough, you’ll find a way to make it happen.” To that end, I’ve accrued degrees and certifications, built my own business, traveled on a shoestring budget, written books, and more.
But when it comes to my body, the trust is not there.
It’s difficult, this not having trust that something can be done. It puts me in touch with my humility and reminds me of what it’s like for the people that I generally find myself helping in other areas–the people who haven’t yet written the books they wanted to write or started the businesses they wanted to start. Being in this place of not trusting that I can do it when it comes to exercise and my body and training brings me to that place of beginnings.
In this place, I see all of the hurdles and road blocks that I’ve helped clients with for several years.
Mostly, I see how I make poor choices around my handling of time, in response to fear.
I’ve seen this a gazillion times when helping clients with the things they want for their lives: someone says they want it, but then they don’t bring consciousness to their habitual ways of being that have kept them from having “it” (whatever the “it” is), and they don’t actually put time into it.
This “not putting time in” is just a reaction to feeling fear. Fear is uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable. No one wants to keep doing more of what’s uncomfortable.
When someone says, for instance, that they want to write a book or start a business, but then they don’t actually do it, I guarantee you that fear is leading the way, and choices around how to apportion time are pulling up the rear.
The same has been true of me in the past week. My daughter has been home sick (so no day care coverage) and this means even less time than usual for running my business or getting things done around the house. On top of this, there’s another Big Life Change around the horizon (can’t say what, yet) and navigating that has taken a lot of time.
But if I am honest–and I want to be–there have been days where I could have gotten a run in with the jogger stroller, and didn’t. There have been days where my husband has come home, 100% willing to take over, and I could have gone to the gym to get a swim in (but I didn’t).
In service to giving myself credit, there have also been days where I did get the run in (three days this week, in fact, which is saying something given that prior to January 1st, my major form of exercise were uphill walks with my daughter in the jogger stroller–huffing and puffing, yes, but hardly something that will train me properly for the triathlons I want to enter this year).
I haven’t done nothing, but I haven’t taken full advantage of what I do have. I think that I feel afraid of the task before me, of training, and I don’t trust my body, so I go to this space of copping out a bit on training.
I have seen how clients make elaborate plans and then external circumstances “intervene” and the clients say, “I couldn’t…this and this and this came up.”
But I know that the truth is that if I really wanted to make the workouts happen this past week, I just would have. I chose other things. I don’t say any of this to beat myself up. I say it just to be real.
You know what I mean, this “being real”? Can we all just own it and be real about the fact that sometimes, we don’t want to, and sometimes, we make other choices, and it’s not because XYZ happened. It’s because we just got lazy, and felt afraid, and so we didn’t want to, and made different choices.
That admission is what honesty looks like. I felt afraid, so I told myself the story of selling out on what I truly wanted.
And now, before bed, I’m going to revisit my training schedule. At some point, I’ll share my plans here. I feel like I don’t want to say “this is my training schedule” until I actually have put the schedule into practice for one full week, and have had the opportunity to fine-tune it and ensure that it’s what I’m really going to follow through on.